Doc may have a point...

Got the chest x-ray done; now we wait for Aetna to make their determination on the intermittent leave stuff and insurance to say they'll cover the treatment..

Met with neurologist, Dr N.  Apparently I've seen him before back in 2005; knew he looked familiar.  Something about tingly hands/feet.  Beyond that the reason for my visit I can't remember.  Guess nothing ever came of it as all I remember is this guys face.  Anyways, today's visit was sadly *points back to previous sentences* I'm having a hard time remembering things.  At first it was vocabulary that was going; would have to give you the definition of the word I was trying to say and you would have to tell me the word and then we could get on with the conversation.  Then it was details.  Could remember having a great time doing something and could tell you what the something was, but couldn't give a lot of details of what exactly we did.  In the last few months sometimes I can't recall on a Mon when asked what I did over the weekend what I did.  I actually have to stop and think hard about it and sometimes just simply can't recall the details so I just say I had a good/bad/whatever weekend.  Most recent occurrence that had me finally bring it up with Dr P was when I was driving in for my appt last week or the week before and could not remember which entrance of the hospital to go in to to get to his office.  I've been going to see him for nearly a year and a half now and averaged out have probably seen him every couple weeks if you do the math.  And I couldn't remember where his office was.  I remembered the third floor part.  But that was it.  I spent the whole drive there from work straining to remember which entrance to go in; I had a 50/50 chance of getting it right.  When I pulled into the hospital parking lot I still didn't know.  My best guess was the entrance on the right because I remembered I had to turn a certain direction to face the elevators to get to his office on the third floor.  I parked and went in and the elevators were opening so I didn't have a chance to check the sign to see if I'd guessed right; even getting on the elevators I wasn't 100% certain I was in the right place.  Third floor doors opened up and I was looking at podiatry/x-rays and there to the left was the rheumatology office; I had guessed correctly.  But it had been a guess.


I may not be the sharpest cookie in the package, but details have always been my specialty.  Losing the ability to retain them over the last 4-5 years has been extremely painful not only to me but to my friends who have to retell glory day stories from games we play because I either can't remember exactly what happened or sometimes can't remember playing in the games at all.  Bonus is no story gets old, but that's hardly any consolation.  I want to be able to remember the events of games I play in with my friends and things we do together.  I want to be able to stay focused on my projects at work and take charge of future stuffs and prove that I can handle it like I used to.  I want to be able to hear Dr N tell me he wants to see me in X-X number of weeks and him shut the door and remember two seconds later how long he said; today I couldn't. :-(

Dr N mentioned a few things.  Of course, inevitably, he brought up depression.  I honestly remember (yeah, I know, funny) this all starting right around the time I started at Dell in '06, but something brought me to Dr N in '05.  I was pretty happy in '05 if memory serves so not sure where the mark on the record of possible depression comes from.  Sucks that as of today it's been flagged again and I have no say in the matter.  Yeah, in the last 4 years things went from amazingly awesome to incredibly craptastic, but this memory thing started, at least I believe, while the amazingly awesome was going on.  Then again, if it was earlier, then it might have been leftovers from the nuttiness of the ex before I met R in Aug '06.  Sadly all I can do is speculate.  Suffice to say, other than finances and my inability to not intentionally try to ruin things that are awesome to say myself future pain, life's pretty peachy.  Budget shows finances will get better over time and there's the potential for awesome happiness if I can manage to not frak it up before it even gets the chance to be incredibly awesome.  I have a great job and on the down low may have a lead on another that's better suited to the kind of work I like doing and still within the same company so even though the thought of moving is scary, it would be a great career move if I could manage it.  Would also help on the finances and getting to go back to school thing.  So pretty much things are looking up.  I'd say if anything, the memory stuff should be getting better, not worse.

Thinking outside the morbid black box of possible depression, doc also mentioned that the decongestant taken over a long period of time in my zyrtek-D might also lead to memory issues (!!!) and recommended I stop taking it long term and get back together with my allergist to see if we could find me something else to help breathe at night while I'm curled up with my kitties of awesome; wonder if they'll call me or if I'm supposed to follow-up with them.  Anywho, another one he mentioned was a possible B12 deficiency.  Apparently back in '05 when I visited my B12 something or other was a little futzy but I'm guessing nothing he was terribly concerned about.  Today he's used some kind of freezing tuning fork thing and set it to vibrate and placed it on the inside of my ankle and then lower on that nobby bone that sticks out on the side/pad of your foot before you get to the big toe; told him I felt it more on my ankle than on the other part.  He repeated it on the other foot and I told him same result.  He actually came back with the phrase "Well you're not a drunk and you're not 80 so you might have a B12 deficiency." ... WTH?  I mean, he's the doc, but that's not the kind of phrase you actually want to stick with you and remember and sadly it is.  :-(  If it's not some B12 thing, then what else does it mean????  Gah!  Anywho, if the 4 vials-o-blood the vampires took out today show low B12 apparently that is supposed to explain everything.  If not, he also put in for.... an EEG? and an MRI just to have all the basis covered.  I frakin' hate tests.  And more time off.  :-(  Because I need the money, I'll use what time off I have left to cover it and then the unpaid intermittent leave for the rest of the years appts/tests/whatever.  Can't not have a full paycheck right now.  And of course all this is contingent on Aetna approving everything.  If they don't, I'll take the two days of vacation I have left for the infusion medication thing and then use what I have left of the PBA the rest of the year for follow-up appts till it runs out and after that pray and just go back to ignoring this memory thing till next year when time resets again.  6 months from now.  *sighs*

Today as hump day was supposed to be better.  It was physically; only hurt a little.  But guess I'd hoped for better at the neurologist.  He's trying, though, and going with what he know which is quick diagnosis and pills.  Can't say I blame him.  He said anyone who shows up to him less than 30 he's always going to tag with depression first until some other test shows otherwise.  Great.  Thanks Dr N. :-(  Did I mention telling me that didn't help?  ;-)  Anywho, bloodwork was done right there in the hospital so I figure we should hear something in the next couple of days.  Oh, also got told I need to start exercising 3-5 times a week.  Yeah, that'll be awesome.  Could use some company for that too but alas.  Will follow-up with Aetna Fri around lunchtime if I haven't heard from anyone to give me the official determination.  Will also try to remember to get with allergy too I guess tomorrow afternoon if no call in the morning.  If they tell me I have to pay $30 to call in and talk med options with Dr S to replace the zyrtek-d I'm going to tell them in a pleasant way no way in heck.  I just can't afford it and I don't have the time off.  Already have to notify my boss tomorrow of a follow-up with Dr N in a few weeks :-(  Still not liking the docs and the poking and the prodding and the needles and the not knowing.  Still needing that hand to hold.

Things gotta get better.  Still giving them no choice.