There comes a time when you have to decide what's right for you. This choice is never easy, and in my experience tends to always hurt at least one person, if not more. Sadly God and everyone else can't make these decisions for us. Some things in life we're just left out on our own to decide. I can't say in the last 6 months I've made the best choices in life, but I will stick by every one I've made. Things have happened that I'm not proud of, but I made the decision for every one of them and have accepted the consequences and continue to feel the repercussions. If anyone ever tells you life is easy, stub their toe cause they're a vicious liar. Our life and quality of life is what we make of it. Our goals our own to either accomplish or die trying.
Pain has come back. Started coming back before the cruise. Rituxan, my miracle that didn't completely miracle the first round last July but came through for me Feb/March has started to wear off. I originally thought since I was breaking my "thou must not stress" rule that I was bringing it on myself but now that drama has calmed down to a dull roar, I still hurt. I've been doing this low calorie/low carb diet which breaks the "thou must eat at least 3 times a day and not go to bed hungry" rule, but if I splurge and eat like I did yesterday at the W family bbq, I still hurt. Another broken rule for many months now has been not enough sleep. Slept today for 13 and change hours and still hurt. So, all this data leads me to believe that without the prednisone to band-aid the pain, the Rituxan sadly isn't lasting as long as I hoped it would. With that in mind, I've rescheduled my next infusion for July 1 and 15th. Hoovers doing it right before the 4th of July weekend, but hopefully all the suffering (if it happens like last time) I'll get over with over a long Fri night and then sleep in some Sat and the rest of the next two weeks will be fine until round 2. One can hope ;-) I really liked not being in pain. Not having to be hyper aware of my body and the positions I was sleeping in and whether or not I kept my limbs straight. God has shown me humility and just as pain can be taken away it can be returned. I took the drug for granted that it was a cure-all and didn't give all the thanks to God but instead of to the drug and to my doctor. That error has been noted and corrected and here's hoping this next round holds out a big longer than a couple of months. Really want this to keep working and for God to bless me just in this little way of helping it stay away. Please....
L and I broke up. It was entirely my doing. Many factors lead to it that I won't go into, but I am entirely at fault for the way things turned out. Not that he believes me. I've told him over and over it has absolutely nothing to do with him. After awhile with him never believing me, I just stopped trying to convince him. In the end I have no control over how he chooses to think or feel about things. All I can do is tell him the truth and hope that some day he'll believe me. At this point after feeling like I've lost one of my oldest friends, I don't believe he will. But sadly I can't think about that anymore. He knows where I am and hopefully knows I care and that's all I can do. Talking certainly doesn't help... just seems to hurt all parties involved even more.
Feeling the need to write lately, but every time I come up with an idea I seem to intentionally find somewhere else to redirect my attention. Not sure why I can't let things out the way I used to. After about 2001, maybe 2002, I haven't been able to write. Really wish I could get that back, but alas. Lots of ideas and no outlet. Maybe some day. Until then....
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