Few things to report I supposed. The whole full disclosure. No matter how much that sucks.
First... haven't taken any of the prednisone since Wed. Yeah, going 60mg to 0mg was not smart. I've been hurting. The stairs today were difficult to traverse going to church and coming back. Knees just aren't happy. But, silver lining is this time last year if I'd deviated more than a couple hours from the normal time I took the drug every day I wouldn't have been able to move by that night and would have paid in pain for about 3 days after. So, Rituxan is a success. I hurt, but I have hurt SO much worse. This is nothing. I'll take it to be off of the prednisone. Have to admit I've had to take some of the tramadol (sp) in the last few days to try and ease it a little, but pain just reminds you you're alive, right? So never living on a third floor again ;-) If I'm going to back to daily pain, 3 flights of stairs can't be a part of the picture forever. Down side is I have no choice but to renew my lease at the apt for another year so.... *shrugs* Just one of those things I'll have to get used to I guess.
Suppose that's a good segue into second thing to report and stuff I'll have to get used to. This is something I've had a really hard time dealing with. I was able to say it aloud to J and M yesterday. Saying things makes them more real. Back to the sucking. Saying it here makes it real too. ... Watching episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Distracting. Managed to put off what I'm fixing to say a good 15 minutes by watching this while trying to type. Make that 20. Ok. So here it is. Know I've mentioned it before, but this really hit home as it were yesterday. Hair's coming out. To the point where it's thing enough there's actually a not small spot completely missing hair near crown of my head. Was getting the flat iron going on my hair yesterday trying to see if I could make it look pretty and I held up a mirror to see how it looked in the back and there it was. Just kind of looking back at me, ya know? I didn't cry. Not then. Still haven't. Not sure how I'm holding it in. It's not easy. I was able to do a funky combing thing to hide it; not sure how well it worked/lasted while I was out yesterday. Also not sure how long it's been like that and no one's been nice enough to mention it. I sit at work all day with those around me standing so if there was something to see, just about everyone I work with has been nice and kept their mouths shut. I know it's not a recent thing, though. Didn't shower and loose a chunk or anything. I mean, the hair's been coming out so much in the last 6 months but it seemed that maybe it wasn't coming out as much as it had been. Suppose now that I think about that it's because there's less to come out. ... Wow. Anyways, knowing it's gotten that far...
I don't want to take the methotrexate anymore. It's Sunday. I always do the injection on Sundays. Been doing it since Dec. I didn't know at the time what it would do to me. At least not side effects wise. Yeah... it does it's main job. It does help keep the pain away. I know it does. And it's retarded I'm so damn superficial about the way I look. That losing my hair is equating to end of the stupid world for me. But I don't have much left to offer. Least that's the way if feels/seems. I know the 'poor me' thing is old. So many more people have it so much worse off than I do. Complaining doesn't fix anything. Doesn't make it any better. Sadly only the drugs I don't want to take to make the pain go away do.
Guess I'm going to be looking at a new set of dew rags soon. Wonder how long it will take.... **insert 4 hour nap here** Well that was nice. When the thinking gets to be too much, sleep stuffs always seem to help. So back to the much avoided subject. The prospects of going bald. I have to admit, it's 9 at night and I still haven't done the methotrexate injection. Make that 11:24. or 11:49. Still distracted by Buffy.
Going to give up on the talking. Obviously my defense mechanism of not dealing with certain things is still going strong. And was just given more to think about. Yay.
I'll finish the ramble later I'm sure. Must deal sometime. Won't have a choice here real soon.
Night folks
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