It's hard to carry on sometimes. Hard to stop thinking the light at the end of the tunnel isn't a train. But one must carry on. So few are given the chance at life let alone long life and God's plan could be to take our last breathe at any moment. As I've learned from my good friend S, we have to cherish every moment. I try not to dwell on the things that have lead up to my current situation or how I feel like I'm not even treading water most days trying to get out of the financial burden I let myself take on to get out of my support-less and love-less marriage. I think about the numbers every day. I come home every night and if it's just me, will spend hours futzing with the numbers. Seeing what can be "tweaked" to try and pay things off a little faster. What can be sacrificed. New clothes.... I may have bought 20 new shirts in the last 11 years and probably no more than 10 pairs of jeans. Most I've spent in years was on dresses I found myself embarrassed to wear on the cruise this last summer thanks to a side-effect of one of the drugs I was taking making my legs have red unsightly splotches. It's hard being on the receiving end of the hairy eyeball so I just wore jeans most of the cruise and didn't even put more than a toe into water the whole trip. Hair cuts are a luxury adding any pretty colors more so; may get those twice a year. Was hoping to get my hair done again before the ballet in Dec but just not sure it's going to happen at this point. It's something I want, but I don't need. Flat iron fixes everything and I'm sure it will still look nice ;-) Getting pedicures and manicures? The Walmart in G-town does them up real nice and on the cheap too, but it's still a luxury. A want, not a need. Eat out.... I still do it. It's the social thing my friends do besides gaming and I feel I've missed out on so much socialization over the years by opting out of this and just grabbing or making something cheap elsewhere and meeting up with them later.... this is really the one luxury I try to afford once a paycheck is a nice meal. Everything else is the cheapest fast food I can consume or food made at the house. I was sad I had to cancel labor day Fogo plans. But I couldn't justify the cost of the meal at the time. I really can't ever. At least not until maybe 2012 at this point. Then I think all I'll still owe on is my student loans, my car, B and the debt consolidation company I signed up with last week to merge the best buy cc, room2go cc, credit union loc, and capital one cc. The credit union visa was supposed to be a part of that but as Rick's name is still on it and at the time of our separation they wouldn't let me take his name off the card so I had to cancel it to avoid either of us making any future charges to it the debt consolidation company said either his name had to be removed from it (not an option) or Rick had to sign something from them saying it would be OK for it to be included in the consolidation despite the fact that I'm the primary card holder on the account (also not an option). I emailed him a couple weeks ago in desperation and tears begging him to please help me with the debt as I've done a couple times since the divorce and have hear nor received anything back from him. Didn't expect to. But God it would have been nice. My credit is official f*cked for the next 10 years. Found that out a few weeks ago too. As he did not pay the last 3 months of the mortgage payments for the house despite signing in the divorce paperwork that he agreed to pay it until the house was sold and by not paying making himself $3300, both our credits are f*cked. He didn't care about his, though. He already had a car and had been talked into cashing out his 401k by his Uncle when we separated telling Rick that I would take all of his money including his 401k if he didn't cash it out in the divorce. ... Or so this is what Rick told me. He used it to buy the motorcycle he had always wanted. And the extra $3300 before he moved back to PA was more shiny things for the bike and beer fests with T, J and M. Still owing me $5700 I even let him have the 1K we got back when we sold the house to try and help him with his moving expenses to PA. Guess when you just want things done you don't see the long term effects of your decisions. My choice to take on the debt and let him have everything has made the last year of my life a financial hell. And will keep me from being able to buy a house or rent at another apartment complex for the next 10 years as the new credit rules have things sticking on their 10 years now instead of 7. My credit won't even start to be shiny again until I'm 40. ... Hope the cats like it here on the 3rd floor. I had planned on trying to move into ACC's school dist to get my last 7 classes out of the way to finish my bachelors in English. Until H decides to join ACC's school district at some point, no real human can afford out of district prices. They're ridiculous. And financial aid only takes into consideration what you're currently making and could care less about how much you're having to pay in debts. I applied and they pretty much laughed at me saying I was making too much money. Well, if my income was enough to cover the debts I have to pay into every money I'd not agree that it was too much but it would at least be close to just right so I could eat and have gas to get to work AND have all of the outstanding balances paid. ... Points for effort. To save money I cut off my internet and canceled netflix as both were a luxury I could no longer afford. I'm using a program on my phone that allows me to tether my phone to my computer for free and use my 3G data plan on the phone to give my netbook interwebs. So far it's worked pretty good. At least until next summer when my unlimited data plan goes away ;-) Maybe by then I can afford to get internet back the old fashioned way. Folks are too smart in this complex to leave their wireless internet unsecured so tethering it is! Unfortunately that's really the last of things I can cut. If I could do without food or gas I would. I bought a bunch of noodles to go with the half-ton of parmesan I have left in the fridge from SAM's and I've been making this noodle/parmesan/basil/oregano/garlic concoction that's actually not too shabby and fairly filling. Crazy on the carbs, but at this point it's what's keeps the tummy from growling, right? Besides, if I can remain frugal I believe I can have the credit union visa paid off by end of next year along with my medical bills and C. 2012 should see the student loan paid off and then I'll work on Kaylee and save the debt consolidation folks for last as they're thankfully no interest. The cruise in May is pretty much out with my friends unless a miracle happens. By doing the debt consolidation I had to cancel all of my credit cards, even if they had available balances, to abide by their rules. This mean that my already tanked credit score has just tanked further along with their being no credit for me to use to put the cost of the cruise on. I'd call this the definition from frakked ;-) It was another luxury. Something I wanted to do to remind myself I could do/have nice things. I could play with the rest of the world. My choice to leave my ex-husband has made that not possible for the next 10 years. In the grand scheme of things, 11 years out of what I hope is still a long life will not be that long to have this hanging over me. But I wish things could be different. Wish I had maybe not been so nice and let him have everything and kept all the debt in my name to myself in the hopes that him agreeing to a piece of paper would compel him to help me pay it off. Perhaps I thought too highly of him. I know he blames me for all of this. It was my choice to leave after all. But I suppose I really did think he would help me. Even just a little.
Medical front I believe as least has some good news. My fessing up to the nurse, J, thankfully didn't land me with waggles fingers and "tsk tsk"'s but instead she said she believe my reason of wanting to stop the Methotrexate due to my having an every increasing bald spot from it was a very valid reason to stop and when I saw Dr P again he agreed with her. Wasn't expecting that. Is what makes them exceptionally cool folk. I've actually been doing really well on just the 5mg of Prednisone/day. Sometimes I supplement with Tramadol but not very often anymore. Keep not sticking by my cardinal rules. Eating I have covered... that's about the only one I stick to. Lack of sleep and stress are rampant and even with my nifty phone reminder thanks to BD I still manage to forget to take mid-day drugs like oh... today. Didn't take lunch round until I left work just after 6 tonight. oops. Hurting a bit, but in a few hours should be ok. Except my back from being hunched over this computer since I got home working on my budget. They called tonight about the credit union Visa not being included so I had to rework the budget to make up for having to pay it down plus interest and still try to get it paid off next year. Before it was pulled, I was going to have it all paid off except car and debt consolidation. This only pushes me back another year I think. I'll make do. Have no choice.
Anyways, doing ok without chemo-flavored drug. Doc gave me the name of a possible replacement called Arava. I stopped at the front page and after reading the warnings, closed it. I would rather stay on the prednisone forever. ... I'm sure this will sound stupid, but I really do want a chance at children some day. Not feeling still like anyone will want to ever want to share that with me, but perhaps God will let me have another chance at having a family some day. Yes, I'm aware that this freaky pain condition can possibly be passed on to my future children. There's also the chance that it won't. And thankfully if it is, it's treatable. And right now it's possible for me to have children with every drug I'm taking but one. Sadly that's the one that's made the biggest dent in my pain and has no studies yet of what happens to children that come about when women become pregnant taking the Rituxan and choose to keep the children. I don't even know if I child would be able to make it full term with that. One of the biggest side effects of it is it lowers your immune system. Thankfully on the inside I would like to think a munchkin may not need that trait as much but once born, figure that comes in handy. Not sure how it would effect a child on the short or long term as in if they would forever have a lowered immune system and be prone to sickness and infections and what not like I am now if I get around anyone with so much as a cold or if after birth it would wear off and the internal steady immune system would kick in and kick butt for the rest of their lives. There's so many questions. And I certainly don't want to condemn a child to a life of illness. Lord I wish finances and technology were advanced enough to take the non-frakked up parts of me and the shiny parts of the future him and put them together for one beautiful healthy baby. Again, I'm sure this likely sounds stupid. I'm not even officially with anyone right now let alone wanting to pick out curtains. I just think about my mom and dad and how old they were when I was born and how exhausted they always were from working and Lord I don't want to be like that. I still want to have energy and go out and play with munchkins and spend every waking moment I can with them. I pray God gives me this one chance to do something right. Would love to contribute a shiny person to the world that I hope will one day make even the smallest pebble wave in the pond effect many in positive ways. Just one more chance to get it right, Lord. Maybe replace those moments of worry and of lonely and of emptiness with some happy. Perhaps I ask to much. I'm trying not to, though. Promise. Desperately need something to go right. Please.
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